Tài liệu Death of a Spaceman pdf

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Old Donegal was dying. They had all known it was coming, and they
watched it come—his haggard wife, his daughter, and now his grand-
son, home on emergency leave from the pre-astronautics academy. Old
Donegal knew it too, and had known it from the beginning, when he had
begun to lose control of his legs and was forced to walk with a cane. But
most of the time, he pretended to let them keep the secret they shared
with the doctors—that the operations had all been failures, and that the
cancer that fed at his spine would gnaw its way brainward until the
paralysis engulfed vital organs, and then Old Donegal would cease to be.
It would be cruel to let them know that he knew. Once, weeks ago, he
had joked about the approaching shadows.
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"Buy the plot back where people won't walk over it, Martha," he said.
"Get it way back under the cedars—next to the fence. There aren't many
graves back there yet. I want to be alone."
"Don't talk that way, Donny!" his wife had choked. "You're not dying."
His eyes twinkled maliciously. "Listen, Martha, I want to be buried
face-down. I want to be buried with my back to space, understand?
Don't let them lay me out like a lily."
"Donny, please!"
"They oughta face a man the way he's headed," Donegal grunted. "I
been up—way up. Now I'm going straight down."
Martha had fled from the room in tears. He had never done it again,
except to the interns and nurses, who, while they insisted that he was go-
ing to get well, didn't mind joking with him about it.
Martha can bear my death, he thought, can bear pre-knowledge of it.
But she couldn't bear thinking that he might take it calmly. If he accepted
death gracefully, it would be like deliberately leaving her, and Old
Donegal had decided to help her believe whatever would be comforting
to her in such a troublesome moment.
"When'll they let me out of this bed again?" he complained.
"Be patient, Donny," she sighed. "It won't be long. You'll be up and
around before you know it."
"Back on the moon-run, maybe?" he offered. "Listen, Martha, I been
planet-bound too long. I'm not too old for the moon-run, am I? Sixty-
three's not so old."
That had been carrying things too far. She knew he was hoaxing, and
dabbed at her eyes again. The dead must humor the mourners, he
thought, and the sick must comfort the visitors. It was always so.
4
But it was harder, now that the end was near. His eyes were hazy, and
his thoughts unclear. He could move his arms a little, clumsily, but feel-
ing was gone from them. The rest of his body was lost to him. Sometimes
he seemed to feel his stomach and his hips, but the sensation was mostly
an illusion offered by higher nervous centers, like the "ghost-arm" that
an amputee continues to feel. The wires were down, and he was cut off
from himself.
He lay wheezing on the hospital bed, in his own room, in his own ren-
ted flat. Gaunt and unshaven, gray as winter twilight, he lay staring at
the white net curtains that billowed gently in the breeze from the open
window. There was no sound in the room but the sound of breathing
and the loud ticking of an alarm clock. Occasionally he heard a chair
scraping on the stone terrace next door, and the low mutter of voices,
sometimes laughter, as the servants of the Keith mansion arranged the
terrace for late afternoon guests.
With considerable effort, he rolled his head toward Martha who sat be-
side the bed, pinch-faced and weary.
"You ought to get some sleep," he said.
"I slept yesterday. Don't talk, Donny. It tires you."
"You ought to get more sleep. You never sleep enough. Are you afraid
I'll get up and run away if you go to sleep for a while?"
She managed a brittle smile. "There'll be plenty of time for sleep
when … when you're well again." The brittle smile fled and she swal-
lowed hard, like swallowing a fish-bone. He glanced down, and noticed
that she was squeezing his hand spasmodically.
There wasn't much left of the hand, he thought. Bones and ugly tight-
stretched hide spotted with brown. Bulging knuckles with yellow cigaret
stains. My hand. He tried to tighten it, tried to squeeze Martha's thin one
in return. He watched it open and contract a little, but it was like operat-
ing a remote-control mechanism. Goodbye, hand, you're leaving me the
way my legs did, he told it. I'll see you again in hell. How hammy can
you get, Old Donegal? You maudlin ass.
"Requiescat," he muttered over the hand, and let it lie in peace.
Perhaps she heard him. "Donny," she whispered, leaning closer, "won't
you let me call the priest now? Please."
He rattled a sigh and rolled his head toward the window again. "Are
the Keiths having a party today?" he asked. "Sounds like they're moving
chairs out on the terrace."
"Please, Donny, the priest?"
5
He let his head roll aside and closed his eyes, as if asleep. The bed
shook slightly as she quickly caught at his wrist to feel for a pulse.
"If I'm not dying, I don't need a priest," he said sleepily.
"That's not right," she scolded softly. "You know that's not right,
Donny. You know better."
Maybe I'm being too rough on her? he wondered. He hadn't minded
getting baptized her way, and married her way, and occasionally priest-
handled the way she wanted him to when he was home from a space-
run, but when it came to dying, Old Donegal wanted to do it his own
way.
He opened his eyes at the sound of a bench being dragged across the
stone terrace. "Martha, what kind of a party are the Keiths having
today?"
"I wouldn't know," she said stiffly. "You'd think they'd have a little
more respect. You'd think they'd put it off a few days."
"Until—?"
"Until you feel better."
"I feel fine, Martha. I like parties. I'm glad they're having one. Pour me
a drink, will you? I can't reach the bottle anymore."
"It's empty."
"No, it isn't, Martha, it's still a quarter full. I know. I've been watching
it."
"You shouldn't have it, Donny. Please don't."
"But this is a party, Martha. Besides, the doctor says I can have
whatever I want. Whatever I want, you hear? That means I'm getting
well, doesn't it?"
"Sure, Donny, sure. Getting well."
"The whiskey, Martha. Just a finger in a tumbler, no more. I want to
feel like it's a party."
Her throat was rigid as she poured it. She helped him get the tumbler
to his mouth. The liquor seared his throat, and he gagged a little as the
fumes clogged his nose. Good whiskey, the best—but he couldn't take it
any more. He eyed the green stamp on the neck of the bottle on the bed-
table and grinned. He hadn't had whiskey like that since his space-days.
Couldn't afford it now, not on a blastman's pension.
He remembered how he and Caid used to smuggle a couple of fifths
aboard for the moon-run. If they caught you, it meant suspension, but
there was no harm in it, not for the blastroom men who had nothing
6
much to do from the time the ship acquired enough velocity for the long,
long coaster ride until they started the rockets again for Lunar landing.
You could drink a fifth, jettison the bottle through the trash lock, and
sober up before you were needed again. It was the only way to pass the
time in the cramped cubicle, unless you ruined your eyes trying to read
by the glow-lamps. Old Donegal chuckled. If he and Caid had stayed on
the run, Earth would have a ring by now, like Saturn—a ring of Old
Granddad bottles.
"You said it, Donny-boy," said the misty man by the billowing cur-
tains. "Who else knows the gegenschein is broken glass?"
Donegal laughed. Then he wondered what the man was doing there.
The man was lounging against the window, and his unzipped space rig
draped about him in an old familiar way. Loose plug-in connections and
hose-ends dangled about his lean body. He was freckled and grinning.
"Caid," Old Donegal breathed softly.
"What did you say, Donny?" Martha answered.
Old Donegal blinked hard and shook his head. Something let go with
a soggy snap, and the misty man was gone. I'd better take it easy on the
whiskey, he thought. You got to wait, Donegal, old lush, until Nora and
Ken get here. You can't get drunk until they're gone, or you might get
them mixed up with memories like Caid's.
Car doors slammed in the street below. Martha glanced toward the
window.
"Think it's them? I wish they'd get here. I wish they'd hurry."
Martha arose and tiptoed to the window. She peered down toward the
sidewalk, put on a sharp frown. He heard a distant mutter of voices and
occasional laughter, with group-footsteps milling about on the sidewalk.
Martha murmured her disapproval and closed the window.
"Leave it open," he said.
"But the Keiths' guests are starting to come. There'll be such a racket."
She looked at him hopefully, the way she did when she prompted his
manners before company came.
Maybe it wasn't decent to listen in on a party when you were dying, he
thought. But that wasn't the reason. Donegal, your chamber-pressure's
dropping off. Your brains are in your butt-end, where a spacer's brains
belong, but your butt-end died last month. She wants the window closed
for her own sake, not yours.
"Leave it closed," he grunted. "But open it again before the moon-run
blasts off. I want to listen."
7
She smiled and nodded, glancing at the clock. "It'll be an hour and a
half yet. I'll watch the time."
"I hate that clock. I wish you'd throw it out. It's loud."
"It's your medicine-clock, Donny." She came back to sit down at his
bedside again. She sat in silence. The clock filled the room with its click-
ing pulse.
"What time are they coming?" he asked.
"Nora and Ken? They'll be here soon. Don't fret."
"Why should I fret?" He chuckled. "That boy—he'll be a good spacer,
won't he, Martha?"
Martha said nothing, fanned at a fly that crawled across his pillow.
The fly buzzed up in an angry spiral and alighted on the ceiling. Donegal
watched it for a time. The fly had natural-born space-legs. I know your
tricks, he told it with a smile, and I learned to walk on the bottomside of
things before you were a maggot. You stand there with your magnasoles
hanging to the hull, and the rest of you's in free fall. You jerk a sole loose,
and your knee flies up to your belly, and reaction spins you half-around
and near throws your other hip out of joint if you don't jam the foot
down fast and jerk up the other. It's worse'n trying to run through knee-
deep mud with snow-shoes, and a man'll go nuts trying to keep his arms
and legs from taking off in odd directions. I know your tricks, fly. But
the fly was born with his magnasoles, and he trotted across the ceiling
like Donegal never could.
"That boy Ken—he ought to make a damn good space-engineer,"
wheezed the old man.
Her silence was long, and he rolled his head toward her again. Her
lips tight, she stared down at the palm of his hand, unfolded his bony
fingers, felt the cracked calluses that still welted the shrunken skin, cal-
luses worn there by the linings of space gauntlets and the handles of fuel
valves, and the rungs of get-about ladders during free fall.
"I don't know if I should tell you," she said.
"Tell me what, Martha?"
She looked up slowly, scrutinizing his face. "Ken's changed his mind,
Nora says. Ken doesn't like the academy. She says he wants to go to
medical school."
Old Donegal thought it over, nodded absently. "That's fine. Space-
medics get good pay." He watched her carefully.
She lowered her eyes, rubbed at his calluses again. She shook her head
slowly. "He doesn't want to go to space."
The clock clicked loudly in the closed room.
8
"I thought I ought to tell you, so you won't say anything to him about
it," she added.
Old Donegal looked grayer than before. After a long silence, he rolled
his head away and looked toward the limp curtains.
"Open the window, Martha," he said.
Her tongue clucked faintly as she started to protest, but she said noth-
ing. After frozen seconds, she sighed and went to open it. The curtains
billowed, and a babble of conversation blew in from the terrace of the
Keith mansion. With the sound came the occasional brassy discord of a
musician tuning his instrument. She clutched the window-sash as if she
wished to slam it closed again.
"Well! Music!" grunted Old Donegal. "That's good. This is some she-
bang. Good whiskey and good music and you." He chuckled, but it
choked off into a fit of coughing.
"Donny, about Ken—"
"No matter, Martha," he said hastily. "Space-medic's pay is good."
"But, Donny—" She turned from the window, stared at him briefly,
then said, "Sure, Donny, sure," and came back to sit down by his bed.
He smiled at her affectionately. She was a man's woman, was
Martha—always had been, still was. He had married her the year he had
gone to space—a lissome, wistful, old-fashioned lass, with big violet eyes
and gentle hands and gentle thoughts—and she had never complained
about the long and lonely weeks between blast-off and glide-down,
when most spacers' wives listened to the psychiatrists and soap-operas
and soon developed the symptoms that were expected of them, either
because the symptoms werechic, or because they felt they should do
something to earn the pity that was extended to them. "It's not so bad,"
Martha had assured him. "The house keeps me busy till Nora's home
from school, and then there's a flock of kids around till dinner. Nights
are a little empty, but if there's a moon, I can always go out on the porch
and look at it and know where you are. And Nora gets out the telescope
you built her, and we make a game of it. 'Seeing if Daddy's still at the of-
fice,' she calls it."
"Those were the days," he muttered.
"What, Donny?"
"Do you remember that Steve Farran song?"
She paused, frowning thoughtfully. There were a lot of Steve Farran
songs, but after a moment she picked the right one, and sang it softly …
9
"O moon whereo'er the clouds fly,
Beyond the willow tree,
There is a ramblin' space guy
I wish you'd save for me.
"Mare Tranquillitatis,
O dark and tranquil sea,
Until he drops from heaven,
Rest him there with thee … "
Her voice cracked, and she laughed. Old Donegal chuckled weakly.
"Fried mush," he said. "That one made the cats wilt their ears and wail
at the moon.
"I feel real crazy," he added. "Hand me the king kong, fluff-muff."
"Keep cool, Daddy-O, you've had enough." Martha reddened and pat-
ted his arm, looking pleased. Neither of them had talked that way, even
in the old days, but the out-dated slang brought back memories—school
parties, dances at the Rocketport Club, the early years of the war when
Donegal had jockeyed an R-43 fighter in the close-space assaults against
the Soviet satellite project. The memories were good.
A brassy blare of modern "slide" arose suddenly from the Keith terrace
as the small orchestra launched into its first number. Martha caught an
angry breath and started toward the window.
"Leave it," he said. "It's a party. Whiskey, Martha. Please—just a small
one."
She gave him a hurtful glance.
"Whiskey. Then you can call the priest."
"Donny, it's not right. You know it's not right—to bargain for such as
that."
"All right. Whiskey. Forget the priest."
She poured it for him, and helped him get it down, and then went out
to make the phone-call. Old Donegal lay shuddering over the whiskey
taste and savoring the burn in his throat. Jesus, but it was good.
You old bastard, he thought, you got no right to enjoy life when nine-
tenths of you is dead already, and the rest is foggy as a thermal dust-rise
on the lunar maria at hell-dawn. But it wasn't a bad way to die. It ate
your consciousness away from the feet up; it gnawed away the Present,
but it let you keep the Past, until everything faded and blended. Maybe
that's what Eternity was, he thought—one man's subjective Past, all
wrapped up and packaged for shipment, a single space-time entity, a
one-man microcosm of memories, when nothing else remains.
10
"If I've got a soul, I made it myself," he told the gray nun at the foot of
his bed.
The nun held out a pie pan, rattled a few coins in it. "Contribute to the
Radiation Victims' Relief?" the nun purred softly.
"I know you," he said. "You're my conscience. You hang around the of-
ficers' mess, and when we get back from a sortie, you make us pay for
the damage we did. But that was forty years ago."
The nun smiled, and her luminous eyes were on him softly. "Mother of
God!" he breathed, and reached for the whiskey. His arm obeyed. The
last drink had done him good. He had to watch his hand to see where it
was going, and squeezed the neck until his fingers whitened so that he
knew that he had it, but he got it off the table and onto his chest, and he
got the cork out with his teeth. He had a long pull at the bottle, and it
made his eyes water and his hands grow weak. But he got it back to the
table without spilling a bit, and he was proud of himself.
The room was spinning like the cabin of a gyro-gravved ship. By the
time he wrestled it to a standstill, the nun was gone. The blare of music
from the Keith terrace was louder, and laughing voices blended with it.
Chairs scraping and glasses rattling. A fine party, Keith, I'm glad you
picked today. This shebang would be the younger Keith's affair. Ronald
Tonwyler Keith, III, scion of Orbital Engineering and Construction Com-
pany—builders of the moon-shuttle ships that made the run from the
satellite station to Luna and back.
It's good to have such important neighbors, he thought. He wished he
had been able to meet them while he was still up and about. But the
Keiths' place was walled-in, and when a Keith came out, he charged out
in a limousine with a chauffeur at the wheel, and the iron gate closed
again. The Keiths built the wall when the surrounding neighborhood
began to grow shabby with age. It had once been the best of neighbor-
hoods, but that was before Old Donegal lived in it. Now it consisted of
sooty old houses and rented flats, and the Keith place was really not a
part of it anymore. Nevertheless, it was really something when a pen-
sioned blastman could say, "I live out close to the Keiths—you know,
the Ronald Keiths." At least, that's what Martha always told him.
The music was so loud that he never heard the doorbell ring, but when
a lull came, he heard Nora's voice downstairs, and listened hopefully for
Ken's. But when they came up, the boy was not with them.
"Hello, skinny-britches," he greeted his daughter.
11
Nora grinned and came over to kiss him. Her hair dangled about his
face, and he noticed that it was blacker than usual, with the gray streaks
gone from it again.
"You smell good," he said.
"You don't, Pops. You smell like a sot. Naughty!"
"Where's Ken?"
She moistened her lips nervously and looked away. "He couldn't
come. He had to take a driver's lesson. He really couldn't help it. If he
didn't go, he'd lose his turn, and then he wouldn't finish before he goes
back to the academy." She looked at him apologetically.
"It's all right, Nora."
"If he missed it, he wouldn't get his copter license until summer."
"It's okay. Copters! Hell, the boy should be in jets by now!"
Several breaths passed in silence. She gazed absently toward the win-
dow and shook her head. "No jets, Pop. Not for Ken."
He glowered at her. "Listen! How'll he get into space? He's got to get
his jet licenses first. Can't get in rockets without 'em."
Nora shot a quick glance at her mother. Martha rolled her eyes as if
sighing patiently. Nora went to the window to stare down toward the
Keith terrace. She tucked a cigaret between scarlet lips, lit it, blew
nervous smoke against the pane.
"Mom, can't you call them and have that racket stopped?"
"Donny says he likes it."
Nora's eyes flitted over the scene below. "Female butterflies and
puppy-dogs in sport jackets. And the cadets." She snorted. "Cadets! Ima-
gine Ron Keith the Third ever going to space. The old man buys his way
into the academy, and they throw a brawl as if Ronny passed the
Compets."
"Maybe he did," growled Old Donegal.
"Hah!"
"They live in a different world, I guess," Martha sighed.
"If it weren't for men like Pops, they'd never've made their fortune."
"I like the music, I tell you," grumbled the old man.
"I'm half-a-mind to go over there and tell them off," Nora murmured.
"Let them alone. Just so they'll stop the racket for blast-away."
"Look at them!—polite little pattern-cuts, all alike. They take pre-
space, because it's the thing to do. Then they quit before the pay-off
comes."
"How do you know they'll quit?"
12
"That party—I bet it cost six months' pay, spacer's pay," she went on,
ignoring him. "And what do real spacers get? Oley gets killed, and Pop's
pension wouldn't feed the Keiths' cat."
"You don't understand, girl."
"I lost Oley. I understand enough."
He watched her silently for a moment, then closed his eyes. It was no
good trying to explain, no good trying to tell her the dough didn't mean
a damn thing. She'd been a spacer's wife, and that was bad enough, but
now she was a spacer's widow. And Oley? Oley's tomb revolved around
the sun in an eccentric orbit that spun-in close to Mercury, then reached
out into the asteroid belt, once every 725 days. When it came within
rocket radius of Earth, it whizzed past at close to fifteen miles a second.
You don't rescue a ship like that, skinny-britches, my darling daugh-
ter. Nor do you salvage it after the crew stops screaming for help. If you
use enough fuel to catch it, you won't get back. You just leave such a ship
there forever, like an asteroid, and it's a damn shame about the men
trapped aboard. Heroes all, no doubt—but the smallness of the widow's
monthly check failed to confirm the heroism, and Nora was bitter about
the price of Oley's memory, perhaps.
Ouch! Old Donegal, you know she's not like that. It's just that she can't
understand about space. You ought to make her understand.
But did he really understand himself? You ride hot in a roaring
blastroom, hands tense on the mixer controls and the pumps, eyes glued
to instruments, body sucked down in a four-gravity thrust, and wait for
the command to choke it off. Then you float free and weightless in a long
nightmare as the beast coasts moonward, a flung javelin.
The "romance" of space—drivel written in the old days. When you're
not blasting, you float in a cramped hotbox, crawl through dirty mazes
of greasy pipe and cable to tighten a lug, scratch your arms and bark
your shins, get sick and choked up because no gravity helps your gullet
get the food down. Liquid is worse, but you gag your whiskey down be-
cause you have to.
Stars?—you see stars by squinting through a viewing lens, and it's like
a photo-transparency, and if you aren't careful, you'll get an eyeful of
Old Blinder and back off with a punch-drunk retina.
Adventure?—unless the skipper calls for course-correction, you float
around in the blast-cubicle with damn little to do between blast-away
and moon-down, except sweat out the omniscient accident statistics. If
the beast blows up or gets gutted in space, a statistic had your name on
13